Have you ever walked into a candy store with a 5 year old? Do you remember being youn and going to one? How on your way there you knew exactly what you wanted, you had your mind set on your favorite candy bar or lollypop, but once you walked in, oh surprise, so many choices, so many colors, and flavors, so much variety to choose from, and you stand there, looking, thinking, doubting yourself, did you really want that candy bar? wouldn't some wild cherry chews be better? or the newest and improved chewing gum which flavor lasts all day? So after terribly long minutes of dispair, you choose something, you feel pretty comofortable with your choice, you pay for it, you walk out, and as soon as you have a taste, you regret your decision, you wished you had bought that candy bar after all.
Well, that's how I feel lately, but unfortunately my decisions aren't over candy bars and lollypops anymore...
About a year ago, I knew what I wanted, I had a decision made, I wanted to go back to my country, I wanted to get a job, I wanted to be independant, I wanted to feel free, I wanted to be in my hometown, where life is hectic, and days go by so quick, it's like you go to bed on Monday and wake up on Friday, the only hint of fall is the coolness in the air, no leaves changing or falling of trees. You know it's winter because the bugs have gone to sleep and the tile floors shoot streaks of cold up your spine if you walk barefeet. The town is so big, I feel like I should leave a trace of crumbs every time I go out so I can get back home, like Hansel and Grettel did. I work every day, every hour of the day, and although I enjoy it, I miss having time for my children, and for myself .
I came to Mexico in May, it's November and I miss the simple quiet life in Virginia, where the days were long and went by slowly, where every time the phone rang, I could pretty much make an asserted bet to who it was, because only a handful of people would call, where the town was so small that I knew every street, every store, every traffic light. Where my weeks were higlighted by a playgroup or lunch with friends, where you know the fall will come, every year at the same time, with the same shades of orange and red, and the winter will follow with it's beautiful blanket of white.
Unfortunately, I won't be able to go back to live there in a long long time, not till my children are old enough to sponsor me and get a visa for me. And the sad part of the story is that if I did go back to live there, I would miss Mexico, and my crazy work hours, and my crazy family and they way they all have a say in my life. I would miss the freedom that I didn't have in the USA for such a long time.
Maybe one day I'll know what I want....
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Trouble maker
Since I was very young, I was labeled as a trouble maker, I remember one time, when I was about 4 or 5 years old, I hid under a bed at my grandmas house, and even as I heard everyone screaming my name, and even as I saw the commotion of everyone looking for me, my grandma even went out into the street thinking I might have gone out, even after all that, all I did was stay still and quiet, till the scream of "She's here" that came from out of my siblings mouth startled me and brought me back into reality. All the adults were crying tears of joy, they were so happy to find me that I didn't even get a spanking, my mom held me and hugged me, and they all soon forgot all the trouble I had caused. I didn't mean to cause any trouble, I just wanted to be left alone, I just wanted to be invisible for a while.
Yesterday I got in trouble again, the whole family got invited to a party, were one of my best friends from childhood was gonna be. He's married and has children, I hadn't seen him in over 10 years, he offered to give me a ride home, which I gladly accepted, because it would be the perfect chance to be alone with him and talk and catch up, well, he brought me home and in all the chatting and catching up, he ended being gone from the party, where his wife anxiously waited, for over an hour, everyone was mad and worried sick, and I must admit, taking off with him like that wasn't the smartest or nicest thing to do, but we didn't care, we wanted to see each other, to talk, to be taken back to 199o something, when life was easy, when we pain, lonenliness, worry, and divorce weren't words in our everyday vocabulary, when all we wanted to do was to grow up and be independant and move out of our parents house, see the world , and here we were now, wondering how it all happened so quick, wondering how we ended up like we did, me almost divorced and struggling to bring up two kids, him already divorced once, going for the second.
I'm almost thirty and again I feel the same, I want to just hide for a while, be submerged in the stillness and quietness that you could only find on a hiding spot like under a bed, of course I don't fit under any of the beds in my house now, so my hiding places have to be more complex now, I hide behind my everyday life, I hide my sadness behind a broad smile, I hide my desperation under 60 work hours a week, tears are the hardest thing to hide though, when my kids ask why do we have to walk? why don't we have a car? why don't we have more money? more food? why is daddy gone? that's when I wish I was still 4 years old and I could crawl under a bed and be there for a long time, quiet, still, waiting, knowing that I had caused trouble, but hoping to be gone long enough for everyone to forget about it.
Yesterday I got in trouble again, the whole family got invited to a party, were one of my best friends from childhood was gonna be. He's married and has children, I hadn't seen him in over 10 years, he offered to give me a ride home, which I gladly accepted, because it would be the perfect chance to be alone with him and talk and catch up, well, he brought me home and in all the chatting and catching up, he ended being gone from the party, where his wife anxiously waited, for over an hour, everyone was mad and worried sick, and I must admit, taking off with him like that wasn't the smartest or nicest thing to do, but we didn't care, we wanted to see each other, to talk, to be taken back to 199o something, when life was easy, when we pain, lonenliness, worry, and divorce weren't words in our everyday vocabulary, when all we wanted to do was to grow up and be independant and move out of our parents house, see the world , and here we were now, wondering how it all happened so quick, wondering how we ended up like we did, me almost divorced and struggling to bring up two kids, him already divorced once, going for the second.
I'm almost thirty and again I feel the same, I want to just hide for a while, be submerged in the stillness and quietness that you could only find on a hiding spot like under a bed, of course I don't fit under any of the beds in my house now, so my hiding places have to be more complex now, I hide behind my everyday life, I hide my sadness behind a broad smile, I hide my desperation under 60 work hours a week, tears are the hardest thing to hide though, when my kids ask why do we have to walk? why don't we have a car? why don't we have more money? more food? why is daddy gone? that's when I wish I was still 4 years old and I could crawl under a bed and be there for a long time, quiet, still, waiting, knowing that I had caused trouble, but hoping to be gone long enough for everyone to forget about it.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Change
I remember being about 5 years old, and waking up one day to realize I had changed, I wasn't sure if it had been overnight, I wasn't sure if everybody else could see it, but I could, I stared long and hard at the mirror, a big mirror on top of my grandma's dresser, I stared at my lips and my cheeks, they looked different, my face was thiner, my eyes had always been way to big for my face, or I thought so, but today I just looked different, I remember going into the kitchen and asking my grandma if she noticed anything different, she simply said NO and kept making my favorite breakfast, chocolate pancakes.
My body has since changed in many ways of course, from a skinny child, to a chubby teenager, and so on. My mind and soul have changed too, from a rebelious teenager to a somewhat calmer adult. My likes in food, chocolate pancakes are not my favorite anymore, now a days a cup of coffee will do. All this changes are I imagine normal in everyones life, but I have always felt that the changes in my life are always quick and drastic, just like when I was 5 and I woke up looking different, feeling different, a couple of months ago I woke up at 28 realizing it had happened again.
I didn't only come back to my country, a country I almost don't recognize anymore after 8 years of not being here, but now I'm separated from my husband of 8 years, almost divorced and working to make a living. Life is changing quickly for me, maybe faster than it should, maybe is me that's slow to take it all in.
Change has knocked on my door again, unannouced, not a courtesy call saying it was coming to visit, and I once more stare at the mirror, wondering how this happened, wondering if everyone else can see it.
My body has since changed in many ways of course, from a skinny child, to a chubby teenager, and so on. My mind and soul have changed too, from a rebelious teenager to a somewhat calmer adult. My likes in food, chocolate pancakes are not my favorite anymore, now a days a cup of coffee will do. All this changes are I imagine normal in everyones life, but I have always felt that the changes in my life are always quick and drastic, just like when I was 5 and I woke up looking different, feeling different, a couple of months ago I woke up at 28 realizing it had happened again.
I didn't only come back to my country, a country I almost don't recognize anymore after 8 years of not being here, but now I'm separated from my husband of 8 years, almost divorced and working to make a living. Life is changing quickly for me, maybe faster than it should, maybe is me that's slow to take it all in.
Change has knocked on my door again, unannouced, not a courtesy call saying it was coming to visit, and I once more stare at the mirror, wondering how this happened, wondering if everyone else can see it.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Home country can affect debate about immigration
Today a good friend of mine from Virginia emailed me a link to a story on the news paper The Newsleader about a family and their immigration situation. I invite all of you to read it, it's very interesting and speaks many truths.
One of those truths, is one I lived with many years. One people deny but it's still the truth. Being an immigrant, and being a Mexican immigrant are two very different things. Mexico has to it's advantage and disadvantage, a geographic position like no other country, we are neighbors, we are right there, we are so close it's scary for many. Because we are so close, it's easier for Mexican immigrants to cross the border and bring their families with them, making immigration waves from this country larger than from many other countries, therefore, prejudice against Mexicans is stronger and more and more common.
I always joked with my friends, that if I was from Europe, people would comment nicely, almost flirtatiously, what a nice accent! but since I'm from Mexico, most people that would comment on it, would do it with a bit of disdain, like saying, hmm, you are only Mexican!
Anyhow, please read the article and don't forget to leave your comments.
Thanks
http://www.newsleader.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080616/OPINION02/806160308/-1/&source=nletter-news
One of those truths, is one I lived with many years. One people deny but it's still the truth. Being an immigrant, and being a Mexican immigrant are two very different things. Mexico has to it's advantage and disadvantage, a geographic position like no other country, we are neighbors, we are right there, we are so close it's scary for many. Because we are so close, it's easier for Mexican immigrants to cross the border and bring their families with them, making immigration waves from this country larger than from many other countries, therefore, prejudice against Mexicans is stronger and more and more common.
I always joked with my friends, that if I was from Europe, people would comment nicely, almost flirtatiously, what a nice accent! but since I'm from Mexico, most people that would comment on it, would do it with a bit of disdain, like saying, hmm, you are only Mexican!
Anyhow, please read the article and don't forget to leave your comments.
Thanks
http://www.newsleader.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080616/OPINION02/806160308/-1/&source=nletter-news
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Home again
Hi everyone, I'm happy to tell you that I'm writing from Mexico, I love the US, it's a place a called home for a very long time, but at this point in my life I felt I needed to go back to my roots, to be able to regain an identity that seemed to be fading away.
I've been in my hometown for about two weeks now, and I must say, it feels really weird, everything is so different, yet the same, the town has grown so much, there's new schools, stores and so on on every corner, and overpasses everywhere. But the people is the same, the tight bonds shared with family and friends are as strong as ever, unweakened by time, if anything, stronger even.
It was so strange walking into my parents house, althoug it has been remodeled and has additions and what not, it was like I had been there yesterday and nothing was new, the same smells and sounds were still there, it almost broght tears to my eyes when I went in what used to be my room, now with a huge closet I wish had been there in my teenage years, hahaha.
My children love being around so many cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends, for them language is not a barrier, they are happy just to play with whomever is visiting at the moment and enjoy every bit of it.
I'm still on the quest of becoming an American, but this time it will be on different terms, and even if takes 20 more years, I know one day I'll hold in my hands the "green card" I've so longed for.
I've been in my hometown for about two weeks now, and I must say, it feels really weird, everything is so different, yet the same, the town has grown so much, there's new schools, stores and so on on every corner, and overpasses everywhere. But the people is the same, the tight bonds shared with family and friends are as strong as ever, unweakened by time, if anything, stronger even.
It was so strange walking into my parents house, althoug it has been remodeled and has additions and what not, it was like I had been there yesterday and nothing was new, the same smells and sounds were still there, it almost broght tears to my eyes when I went in what used to be my room, now with a huge closet I wish had been there in my teenage years, hahaha.
My children love being around so many cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends, for them language is not a barrier, they are happy just to play with whomever is visiting at the moment and enjoy every bit of it.
I'm still on the quest of becoming an American, but this time it will be on different terms, and even if takes 20 more years, I know one day I'll hold in my hands the "green card" I've so longed for.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Economy
Like many other Americans, my husband and I have been struggling to make ends meet, from the rising prices at the grocery store to the skyrocketing price of gas it just seems harder than ever to stretch our dollar. So we were really excited to hear about the rebate checks the government was planning to send out to stimulate the economy and help out during this recession ( not a word George Bush chose to use on his speech last week), we didn't have big plans for this money, we weren't gonna go on vacation, or buying a new TV, not even new clothes, we were gonna simply catch up on bills and put the rest in the bank for using later for paying more bills and groceries.
After filing for it (jointly) we waited, and waited and waited, finally my husband called IRS last week and was told something we could not believe, we did not qualify for it, because I don't have a social security number yet, my husband was sure this must be a mistake, he thought maybe the person he spoke to on the phone was misinformed or confused or simply stupid, how could this be, my husband is a legal resident, has been for more than six years, our two children are American citizens, and I have been on the immigration process for more than five years, this had to be a mistake.
Well, it wasn't a mistake, it's true, according to a news article on yahoo (link below) the IRS made it a rule that nobody with a foreign spouse without a social security number would qualify for this rebate, in order to prevent "illegals" to get the money, I guess fearing they would spend it on their own country instead of the US.
I understand the reasoning behind this rule, and it really wouldn't be fair for the money to go to other countries when it's meant to somehow restore the economy of the USA, but at the same time, I think is unfair that many hard working legal immigrants like my husband cannot benefit from something like this when it's not his fault (or mine) that the legalization process takes so long. We like everybody else, live in the US, spend our money here, and pay taxes here, maybe IRS should've thought this through a little better.
As you can read in the news article, not only "Mexicans" will be affected by this, but many "All American" military man and woman, who put their life at risk everyday for our country will suffer the consequences as well if their spouses are like me on the long immigration process.
Maybe I don't deserve $600 dls. even if I was going to spend them here, but I think my husband who works hard every day to put a roof over my head, and my children, who are just like any other American children, deserve what every one else is getting.
http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_bi_ge/storytext/tax_rebates_left_out/27431478/SIG=10kt0t3ql/*http://www.irs.gov
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080511/ap_on_bi_ge/tax_rebates_left_out
After filing for it (jointly) we waited, and waited and waited, finally my husband called IRS last week and was told something we could not believe, we did not qualify for it, because I don't have a social security number yet, my husband was sure this must be a mistake, he thought maybe the person he spoke to on the phone was misinformed or confused or simply stupid, how could this be, my husband is a legal resident, has been for more than six years, our two children are American citizens, and I have been on the immigration process for more than five years, this had to be a mistake.
Well, it wasn't a mistake, it's true, according to a news article on yahoo (link below) the IRS made it a rule that nobody with a foreign spouse without a social security number would qualify for this rebate, in order to prevent "illegals" to get the money, I guess fearing they would spend it on their own country instead of the US.
I understand the reasoning behind this rule, and it really wouldn't be fair for the money to go to other countries when it's meant to somehow restore the economy of the USA, but at the same time, I think is unfair that many hard working legal immigrants like my husband cannot benefit from something like this when it's not his fault (or mine) that the legalization process takes so long. We like everybody else, live in the US, spend our money here, and pay taxes here, maybe IRS should've thought this through a little better.
As you can read in the news article, not only "Mexicans" will be affected by this, but many "All American" military man and woman, who put their life at risk everyday for our country will suffer the consequences as well if their spouses are like me on the long immigration process.
Maybe I don't deserve $600 dls. even if I was going to spend them here, but I think my husband who works hard every day to put a roof over my head, and my children, who are just like any other American children, deserve what every one else is getting.
http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_bi_ge/storytext/tax_rebates_left_out/27431478/SIG=10kt0t3ql/*http://www.irs.gov
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080511/ap_on_bi_ge/tax_rebates_left_out
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Anchor Babies
People have babies for many reasons, because they are in love, because they want to feel loved, because it was the right time, because it was the next step, because their biologic clock is tick, tick, ticking away. But according to some of the media, illegal immigrants have babies with just one reason in mind, to obtain legal citizenship. Babies born in the US from ilegal parents are refered to as anchor babies.
Well, I must have missed the memo, because after two intense 24 hr. labors, two painful epidurals, hours of pushing, couple gallons of blood, a six pound girl and an eight pound boy, I wasn't granted such thing.
I've been on the immigration waiting line for 5 yrs. and after many sleepless nights, thousands of dollars on baby diapers and needless to say Hospital Bills!! I keep waiting, so if there's such thing as Automatic Legalization just for having a baby in the US, I must say I feel duped, because if that was the only reason to have children I would've stopped after one painful delivery!
The only way to obtain legal citizenship through your children is to wait till they become of legal age (like driving and voting age) and for them to apply for you and sponsor you, and of course that would at least take a couple years.
Having children, as anybody that has them knows, is very expensive and it's a lifetime commitment, so I wonder who would be stupid enough to want to have children for a green card, facts remain, people will keep having babies for many different reasons, I just will have to disagree when anyone says that legalization is one of them.
Well, I must have missed the memo, because after two intense 24 hr. labors, two painful epidurals, hours of pushing, couple gallons of blood, a six pound girl and an eight pound boy, I wasn't granted such thing.
I've been on the immigration waiting line for 5 yrs. and after many sleepless nights, thousands of dollars on baby diapers and needless to say Hospital Bills!! I keep waiting, so if there's such thing as Automatic Legalization just for having a baby in the US, I must say I feel duped, because if that was the only reason to have children I would've stopped after one painful delivery!
The only way to obtain legal citizenship through your children is to wait till they become of legal age (like driving and voting age) and for them to apply for you and sponsor you, and of course that would at least take a couple years.
Having children, as anybody that has them knows, is very expensive and it's a lifetime commitment, so I wonder who would be stupid enough to want to have children for a green card, facts remain, people will keep having babies for many different reasons, I just will have to disagree when anyone says that legalization is one of them.
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