Have you ever walked into a candy store with a 5 year old? Do you remember being youn and going to one? How on your way there you knew exactly what you wanted, you had your mind set on your favorite candy bar or lollypop, but once you walked in, oh surprise, so many choices, so many colors, and flavors, so much variety to choose from, and you stand there, looking, thinking, doubting yourself, did you really want that candy bar? wouldn't some wild cherry chews be better? or the newest and improved chewing gum which flavor lasts all day? So after terribly long minutes of dispair, you choose something, you feel pretty comofortable with your choice, you pay for it, you walk out, and as soon as you have a taste, you regret your decision, you wished you had bought that candy bar after all.
Well, that's how I feel lately, but unfortunately my decisions aren't over candy bars and lollypops anymore...

About a year ago, I knew what I wanted, I had a decision made, I wanted to go back to my country, I wanted to get a job, I wanted to be independant, I wanted to feel free, I wanted to be in my hometown, where life is hectic, and days go by so quick, it's like you go to bed on Monday and wake up on Friday, the only hint of fall is the coolness in the air, no leaves changing or falling of trees. You know it's winter because the bugs have gone to sleep and the tile floors shoot streaks of cold up your spine if you walk barefeet. The town is so big, I feel like I should leave a trace of crumbs every time I go out so I can get back home, like Hansel and Grettel did. I work every day, every hour of the day, and although I enjoy it, I miss having time for my children, and for myself .

I came to Mexico in May, it's November and I miss the simple quiet life in Virginia, where the days were long and went by slowly, where every time the phone rang, I could pretty much make an asserted bet to who it was, because only a handful of people would call, where the town was so small that I knew every street, every store, every traffic light. Where my weeks were higlighted by a playgroup or lunch with friends, where you know the fall will come, every year at the same time, with the same shades of orange and red, and the winter will follow with it's beautiful blanket of white.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to go back to live there in a long long time, not till my children are old enough to sponsor me and get a visa for me. And the sad part of the story is that if I did go back to live there, I would miss Mexico, and my crazy work hours, and my crazy family and they way they all have a say in my life. I would miss the freedom that I didn't have in the USA for such a long time.

Maybe one day I'll know what I want....